Boyfriend stopped texting me good morning. And I have never regretted that decision even once. Do you ever get the feeling that your relationship would be completely over if you stop initiating texts or hang outs? My boyfriend is having problems with his family and some others issues. I used to joke about a self-help book called Im OK, Youll Be Okay When I Get Done With You: Ive never seen a copy, but clearly it exists and lots of people have read it. Emotion or relationship conversations have to start with establishing a logical framework of the situation that makes sense to him; if hes confused, he clams up in great distress. I dont know what your boyfriends views on your therapist or on therapy in general are, but he might use a comment like this as evidence that your therapist clearly has no clue whats going on in your life so you should just listen to him and do everything he says. Or is he expecting you to just bootstrap your way to optimal nutrition and well being? This right here: to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard is verbal abuse. And when he lost a bunch of weight as a side effect of a new medication, suddenly all of his insecurities about it were transferred to passive-aggressively fatshaming me. I dont even have to duly note your concern or take that under advisement. something her boyfriend disagrees with, he ought to say, I really disagree with that or I really dont think thats a good idea. Instead hes cutting her down and belittling her. In hindsight a lot of stuff was terrible and controlling but because I was invested beilived what he said until there was no trust left at all and I had utterly tried everything to get him to listen. The BF sounds like he is familiar territory to you, treating you w/ the disregard & disrespect that as a child you were taught was your due. The only script I know of for remarks like that is What did you just say to me? ", But It is indeed hard. I have to agree with this. A few weeks ago I started to notice that, well, he kind of smelled bad. Make lifestyle changes to ensure you're getting enough sleep, eating healthy diet, and exercising regularly. So this guy is trying everything he can to fix the LWbut since depression makes people act against their best interests, the boyfriend doesnt trust said LW to deal with this on their own. It sounds like BF is unhappy with the relationship, but feels like LW has it in her control to make the relationship better, so he is taking it out on her for not being the idealized version of herself. Another sign your boyfriend has stopped making an effort is that you start doubting whether he really loves, cares, and wants to be with you. She can call a plumber or locksmith. Should I dump this asshole? recently printed a letter that said Anonymous asked: Things between us are going so poorly that Im writing into a blog called Yo Should I Dump this Asshole? Good job former-me! This helps us because it is a concrete thing he can do (yay I am helping someone I love) and actually helps me. What this involves is offering your emotional openness and love (instead of the tension of stress, fear and needing something to be happy). LW, Im so sorry youre dealing with this. Theyre frustrated with an inability to help, but love & respect their partner. If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. Its like saying well, be careful not to be happy. A person who is invested in their role as the Helper and in your role as Lumpy Clay Who Must Be Sculpted is going to try to convince you that setting boundaries here is not in your best interest. He then said that he was only trying to make her into a better person. Do you want to be like my mum, self esteem completely destroyed, fleeing an abusive 30 year relationship from someone who always thought you were not good enough? The thing to watch for is a change in how they behave. Hit the gym. LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. It really doesnt feel like he likes you. (Why cant the government just ask married or not married? No. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. What places in the city do you love going to most? Neither he or my Dad told me about their doubts until I was well established and was making money, by which time their initial suspicions were funny stories, not immensely damaging and potentially hindering my progress. Before my last relationship ended I spent *a lot* of time online reading advice and trying to fix stuff. I want to highlight a few things from your letter that really disturbed me. Continuing to put in effort for someone who isnt putting any into you is only going to lead to more frustration and resentment neither of which will make either one of you happy or satisfied long term. My mother used to literally scream at me if she saw my hand go anywhere near my head, my friends used to threaten to not speak to me if I cut myself, but no pressure! I love you anyway is, in practice, almost nothing like I love you. He may, on some level, have convinced himself that all will be right with the world if youd just conform to his standards, but if he really, truly cared, hed look on the changes youve already made as big positives and cheer you on as you continue your journey towards better living. If you need something short and sweet to say to your BF to stop the mansplaining, and to allow a moment for your brain to get into gear, try this: Thus: Don't reach out to his ex. Also, it annoys the crap out of me. In hindsight Im so glad we broke up. For a relationship to survive a crisis like that, you have to like the person (not just love them) and respect the person (not just love them). Here are 7 early warning signs of a controlling boyfriend who thinks he owns you. I hope that both you and the LW are able to get the unconditional love and actually helpful support you deserve, either in your current relationships or elsewhere. Or is he blaming his own ambivalence about the relationship on you and your past depression? When your brain says ok, Im done exercising today, and instead of that being paired with anticipation of his disapproval, there is just sweet, sweet self-accepting silence. He can just take you and chisel at you until he gets the enthusiastic, bubbly, thin dream-partner he wants out of what he sees to be a depressive heap. I noticed that when I bicycle up hills, a lot of times whatever upset me that day/week/month will start to replay at fever pitch inside my head. And I know it takes me less effort to make myself presentable for people coming over to visit me, than it does to get out of the house. I will always be a survivor of sexual assault and emotional abuse who has depression and obsessive compulsive tendencies. When I was unhappy with the way her behaviour impacted me, our living space, or our relationship I saw the fact she wouldnt do the easy, obvious things I told her she ought to as indications that she wasnt actually committed to her claims or our life together. Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. In graduate school, there were entire weeks where all I ate was a huge wheel of frosted sugar cookies. Examine your behavior. I have no idea if my dumping him finally gave him the kick in the pants he needed to dowell, anything (we havent talked since he moved his stuff out), but I can say my life improved drastically! Not okay. They feel like Im not happy isnt enough, especially if they suffer from low self esteem. Anyway, enough about me. It was exhausting for both of us. Incidentally, I also learned a lot about my own self-care for times when hes having an episode, so I dont get so easily sucked in. First, I starred (*) the script about diet and exercise above, because I think you should just stop reporting any of this to him and should in fact treat it as highly weird that he wants to know. Theres no discussion or debate or simply respect for holding different views; he simply insulted your view in a way that seems designed to shut you up. Thanks you! The important element? Because that kind of encouragement would have felt patronizing to him, were he receiving it. Now I think to some extent I was partly in therapy to get ready to leave him. But when theres anger, that flips the whole dynamic on its head. This is fine isnt good enough when it comes to relationships, IMO. This is why I only see him in person on a time limited basis and call him on the phone and have been known to hang up on him when he does this kind of policing. If you suggest doing something with him or if he is the one to bring it up, he will always say maybe. When you constantly criticize their eating . etc.). He is like the fucking human incarnation of depression. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people .Not both of you. I spent four years in a relationship like that, where nothing was ever good enough and taking steps to be a better Me was met with derision and controlling behaviours, and I know so much how hard it is. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. How does this affect you? It makes me feel bad when you dont eat your vegetables because I caaaaaaaaaaare about you.. I think you are being unreasonable, he has apologized and you sending him that long message saying he's selfish was rude and uncalled for yet he apologized to you AGAIN. And all those cultural messages about Kids These Days Giving Up and In Our Day We Didnt Divorce, and Thats What For Better And For Worse Means make it really, REALLY hard to believe that this relationship is making me stressed and unhappy is, in actual fact, a perfectly reasonable cause for exiting a relationship. I wholeheartedly agree. Then he can treat you even worse. Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. For those of us with less than optimal upbringings theres this stinger waiting for us as adults. If your social group feels patch and thin, take steps to meet new people. I can go one better! And there's a reason he can't let go of her, and there's a reason you feel like the bond you have with . Whoa, this is me a year/two years/three years ago. Do not copy, print, or repost entire posts elsewhere without written permission. And hey, staying in bed, amiright? For example, the LWs partner can say, Hey, want to play tag with me later?, want to go kite-flying?, Lets make smoothies!, Shall we tape sponges to our feet today and pretend were in a roller derby? or insert other fun thing here that gets the job done. My family hated that I smoked and were anxious about what it was doing to my health, my boyfriend hated it, my friends hated it but trying to quit for other people never worked. He used to love celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries or any important date in your life; but now these days seem to be forgotten too. You are not the only one. So hes trying to use your own recovery to manipulate you youre not just exercising because you want to, youre exercising because HE wants you to in the way he wants. When someone we know cheated on a beloved partner, he had trouble wrapping his head around why someone would possibly do that. 1. My sister is not depressed and does not need my help, I just want to provide it because I care about her. 7 Strategies You Can Use To Make Him Fall In LoveEven If He Has Started To Pull Away! Tell Him Why You Don't Like Her. Logic and reason are critical thinking tools. He seems quieter than usual Your conversations are brief, and he doesn't appear to be as interested in your life anymore. Your boyfriend probably can't see any reason to change his ways: he believes that taking drugs has done him no harm and he enjoys the experience. My husband is very *actually* logical and reasonable. Nevermind the fact that none of my friends were actually offended at all, he just couldnt admit that he had a problem with something I had said. Your boyfriends suggestions dont sound like the ones I would give to someone struggling with depression. Is exercise great for depression? Your Jerkbrain is telling you that youre never going to find someone else who will put up with you. Honestly the best thing for me was talking with a therapist on my own and learning boundaries (see my comments above). He would say, We really need to work on your sense of adventure and getting you to be more open to new experiences. He always said we, as though this was a joint project. And before you know it, you'll find yourself behaving like his loyal and obedient slave instead of an independent and happy girl who's dating a guy. either way. If you like to cook, it might be really awesome if you two discuss the idea of having friends over for dinner a bit more often. Your dreams for the future have taken a back seat. Living in constant stress, even if its a stress youve chosen yourself in the name of self-improvement, isnt good for you. Its okay that I attended to that other stuff first. I expect him to monitor his health and to take as much action as he can when hes feeling bad, just as LW is doing. If you cannot help someone, and being with that person is hurting you as well, putting some distance may be the healthiest choice. 3. A common problem is people trying to push people to ignore their new physical limitations and overexert themselves, and this is really dangerous. LW you got this. Good luck LW, and I hope you get to see how much better life can be when someone isnt actively holding back your awesomeness. Just. On a very small and lighter note, and maybe as perspective, I think that eating whatever the heck one wants when partner is out of town is The Very Best Thing You Could Ever Do. But it will definitely *not* help if Im already in a funk, other than possibly giving me an excuse to go outside and do something vaguely useful-feeling. I feel you. Anyhow, LW, this guy is probably a whole wagon load of NOPE for you. I 100 million percent second this. Most men and women are very different, and relating to someone who is very different from you takes patience. Essentially, he supported me equally on good days and bad days. My BF was genuinely not a bad guy. Your boyfriends reaction to those scripts will tell you whether this relationship is worth keeping, or whether its time to move on. He has literally never done this. I also expressed my fear that he was trying to fix my depression, because I suspect that depression is just part of my makeup, and however well I manage it, there are always going to be some low points. Maybe I can step on fewer landmines by keeping it in mind. Even if he were good at this coaching thing (spoiler: hes not), he shouldnt be your coach. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. And at one point ran into one of his grown kids from the first family on a boardwalk. I didnt do it for you. Hes developed some very strong and unrealistic expectations about ways LW will change. For example, depression is very tiring in itself. He may have met someone new and is now taking her on dates, buying her gifts as well as making other gestures. And theyre not omnipotent (well, actually, maybe they are?! In retrospect I think that I was correct about her commitment level BUT I still put all the focus on her rather than dealing with my own portion of those concerns and my personal issues. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever he's going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. That person is going to be psyched by evidence that you are capable and willing to chart your own course, and think, Hey, my partner must be feeling better, since they have their shit under control.
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